Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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