I should be sponsored by Trojan
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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