If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
