We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
