dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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