I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
