I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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