I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
