I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
