Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
not ubering you a puppy
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
