apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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