p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I came so hard my ears popped.
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