I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
