They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize