dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i now understand why vodka
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
