The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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