I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
