i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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