Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
