my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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