i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
