i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
