awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
