My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
