I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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