it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
