I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
