The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
