cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
