He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize