Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize