There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
