shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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