That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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