her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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