Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
