I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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