Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
