your parents love me but you hate me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We need to get me chipped asap
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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