I think I won the penis lottery.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
