you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
