took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have already put on my inside pants.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
