nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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