No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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