i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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