peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
