i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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