i think i have herpe
just one?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
