I wish my penis had an off switch
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Randomize
