Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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