I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Randomize
