Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize