I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
