He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
