Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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