Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He shit in the fireplace
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
