my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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