The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize