I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
