There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
