Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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