I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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