Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
