I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
