Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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