My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
