it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
