I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Let's paint friendship bongs
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
