when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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