i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
where am i from again
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
