Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize