He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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