Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
