i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
