Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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