if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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