I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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