I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
